Where do I start? If you asked me a few years ago how I envisioned the rest of my thirties, I would have told you that I wanted to just settle into life and not have to work towards anything. During my twenties, I felt that I was always working towards something: graduating college, getting a job, living on my own, getting married, and having kids. When I hit my thirties, Victor and I wanted to work towards buying a home that we could raise our kids in and maybe adding to our family--which we did. We both worked really hard and struggled to realize our dreams together (that will be another post for another day---actually it'll probably be multiple posts, who am I kidding). When we completed our family, I was excited to just appreciate what we had and live life and make memories.
What changed? Well, when you really start to just stop and appreciate what you have, you start to learn to be protective of those priorities. I have been a pediatric nurse for almost 13 years, and I've been a charge nurse for the last almost 8 years. I loved my job for a long time, but I've started to not love it for the past year. If I went into all the reasons why I'm not as content in my career, I would need chapters, so I won't go there. Simply put: I've committed myself to my job, drank and sold the kool-aid, and went above and beyond for a really long time, but have not felt as appreciated or valued. Probably a sentiment shared by a lot of healthcare workers. And when you are as hard on yourself as I am, it's tough because how you perceive others to value you affects how you actually feel about yourself.
The thing is, because I had already started to do the work to prioritize my personal life and my mental health, I had to really reflect on what work meant to me in the present and in the long run. Is nursing still something I wanted to do until I retire? Is there another path? Is the stress of work worth spilling into my personal time, thoughts and life?
Something I feel strongly about is that I never want to be someone that stays at a job if I'm not happy. There has to be accountability for your own happiness because at the end of the day, it is easier for you as an individual to make changes in your life than to expect a whole system to change for you. I'm not saying you should change as a person, but make the changes necessary to reach where you want to be in life.
So what changes are in store for me? The biggest change is that I'll be going to graduate school in May to become a Marriage Family Therapist. I double majored in college in Nursing and Psychology, and when you grow up not so wealthy and you see your Filipino aunties killing it at nursing, you choose nursing. Just (kinda) kidding--I also was a young, eager person who was ready to make a difference as a nurse. And honestly, I appreciate the road I chose because of the stability that nursing has given me, the experiences that have humbled me, and the life lessons and friends I've met along the way, but I'm excited to get after life veraciously.
I am excited to work towards a career that will give me new purpose, and a different way to be there for others. Finally, mental health has become a priority and I want to be a part of that growth. I've struggled as a woman, mom, wife and nurse and I hope that I'll be able to help others through their struggles as well.
It is so freakin scary putting myself out there and changing things up, but I am proud of myself for not settling. It's going to be hard because I am going to keep working full time as a nurse until I graduate and maybe through licensing, but it's ok because I think the ends will justify the means.
I am also going to give this blogging thing a good try because I don't see a lot of people that look like me putting themselves out there. I hope to share some insight about different things as a working mom and woman that's honest and balanced with some humor because I think I'm funny. People who know me, I'm funny, right?
More updates to come on this new journey. I'm expecting a hot mess storm, but that's me and I'll get through it. I have to say though, since I committed to shifting my focus and energy off of work and onto new possibilities and projects, I've felt more ok at work again because by minimizing the space in my life that work takes (literally and figuratively), somehow I feel like the universe has opened up for me in other ways.
I feel like by focusing on me, I get to give my family a better me.
Here's to being 35, and getting after it!
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